Every Loser Wins – November 21st 2008

I always wanted to be an NME writer.

It may seem slightly pathetic an ambition now that it has become ‘Smash Hits’-for-the-tight-jeans-brigade, but as a teenager it was my bible. When ‘Cooper Blue’ was named their album of the year in 1992, it was straight down Our Price with a crisp tenner and a grin of anticipation not seen since Prince removed those ribs and gazed downwards….

As a fledgling journalism student I spent innumerable ladyfriend-less hours slumped over an old word processor, dragging on endless cigarettes and swigging from a bottle of cheap Tesco whiskey, splurging ream after ream of literary onanism. Review after review gushed from my bulging mind encompassing bands as diverse as Bis, The Longpigs, Oasis, Korn and Portishead. I heard albums for the first time that have gone on to be lifelong favourites (Built To Spill’s ‘There’s Nothing Wrong With Love’ and Pulp’s ‘A Different Class’ spring to mind right away), and I also bore witness to some of the most heinous acts of musical barbarism ever committed to wax.

The worst you ask? Without a doubt, ‘The Joy OF Tex’ by The Wealthy Texans, at a time when I was quite happy to indulge in a spot of Menswear, this stood out as the pinnacle of turgid crap. A musically inept, directionless waste of my time and that of its creators.

Why this particular blog then? Well I was remembering that Texan offering (I imagine they never really lived up to the Wealthy attachment) just the other day and I embarked on a journey to compile a selection of albums I have loathed over the years. Records that although commercially and critically successful, no matter how hard I try, I just really, really hate….

Pink Floyd – Dark Side Of The Moon – I know, I know  – it’s supposed to be a classic but the fact of the matter is, unless you’re stoned, it sounds like shit.

Ocean Colour Scene – Mosley Shoals – that video with them on the scooters drove me nuts. The album pushed me over the edge – this is what gave indie a bad name and paved the way for countless horrible lad-rock bands.

Amy Winehouse – Back To Black – Just because every time I hear a song I think of all those tabloid headlines. The story should never overshadow the music.

Kate Nash – Made Of Bricks – “cause they are much fittahh” – the single worst moment in any song, ever.

Iglu And Hartly – And Then Boom – these guys are a joke right? It’s like an extended Beadle’s About and someone is going to give us the punchline soon……hopefully

Kate Bush – Ariel – it’s all terrible but that ‘Washing Machine’ song made me think that doing my laundry may be preferable to listening to the music.

Babyshambles – Down In Albion – Libertines were ok, this was not.

PJ Harvey – Uh Huh Her – the worst live act I’ve ever seen (I’ve walked out of her gigs twice) and this album was a low point in an otherwise pretty solid recording career.

Kasabian – Empire – Because ‘Shoot The Runner’ and ‘Empire’ are two of the dumbest songs ever written.

The Fratellis – Costello Music – oh dear god, this is just horrible, horrible, jaunty, lyrically banal dross – please go away.

The Killers – Sam’s Town – where did the classic indie disco anthems go? Anyone who thinks sounding like Springsteen and U2 is a good thing pretty much should just give up on music.

Muse – Black Holes And Revelations – The most overblown, pompous band in existence today. And to all those who say “But they are soooo good live” I counter with, “why would I go and see a band live when all their songs are shit?”

Razorlight – Slipway Fires – I’m not one to jump on a bandwagon as I had a wee soft spot for their previous efforts and I really like ‘Wire to Wire’ but the rest of the album. Is. Just. Awful.

Toploader – Onka’s Big Moka – I have very bad memories of this album. I won’t go into it.

Moby – 18 – ‘Play’ was cool.  This was a sad re-hash.

Mansun – ‘Little Kix’ – when my best mate bought this we turned it off after 4 songs and took it back to the store  – that bad…..

I’ll add more as and when I think of ‘em, but in the meantime let me know those albums that you could so easily live without…….

I’m off down the boozer to erase these “musical” memories



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